I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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