umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
