I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
