I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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