I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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