dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
