I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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