I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
