So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
