When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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