they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
