I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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