you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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