If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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