You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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