Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
