remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
