I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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