I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
