Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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