i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
