You're completely useless in the revolution.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
