theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
