ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
