The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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