A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
