i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
