I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
