Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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