I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
