Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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