I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
