is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
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