Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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