So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
