why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
