I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
