words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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