Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
