my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
