So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
