I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
