so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
