Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
