Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
