I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
