Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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