the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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