the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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