They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
