Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How external is "for external use only"?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We're too hungover to prance.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
