Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
