my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
