Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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