Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
