Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
