After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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