Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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