I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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